I know now that March 21st was not the worst day of my life, nor was it the worse news one can receive, but that day, it felt like it was. Being told your unborn child has a problem... and that there is nothing we can do to help her but wait and watch. And oh by the way, we have no idea what this problem means for your daughter. It could range from way over here to way over there. Try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
My life, as dramatic as it may sound, was turned upside down that day. And to pretend otherwise would be a disservice to what I have come through and to other pregnant hydro moms that are dealing with the same feelings now.
It rocked me to the core.
The worst part for me, personally, was the not knowing. And the funny thing about that is... I never KNEW. Oh how much I assumed that I shouldn't have.
I wish I could go back and tell myself then what I know now. How wonderful she is. How much I love her for who she is. How much I would change and grow and how much my heart would expand and love. How my family would grow closer and how my marriage would ride the storm. How much sweeter my perspective on life would be and how much better of a person I would be. All of these things have grown from the worst day of my life.
With a year of perspective and hindsight, I can now see where it was also the beginning of a new journey, a new appreciation of what is important. A new hope and faith that I didn't know I needed.
For all the pregnant hydro moms that are reading this, please know that you are not alone. That you have to go through the feelings you are having now to come out on the other side. And that the other side is scary and uncertain but it's also beautiful and life altering. I would not want to go back and relive that day... just the anniversary looming on the calendar is hard. BUT I would NOT take away what that day has brought me. A better understanding, a richer appreciation, a clearer perspective.
My sweet babygirl that I always wanted and now have.
Hydrocephalus sucks. Life is hard. People go through unimaginable tragedies all the time. And time goes on.
I know that it is still very early on in our journey with hydrocephalus and that it is an unpredictable one. And I fully, gratefully, PRAISEingly recognize that Addison is a miracle and is doing amazingly well. And perhaps, I wouldn't feel the way I do if she wasn't. I recognize those things. And I fully and wholeheartedly appreciate EVERY single little thing she does and every day we have together.
So on this March 21st (and every other day) I choose to celebrate the gift that God has sent to us in Addison. I choose to appreciate all the ways I have changed and grown. I choose to pray and be thankful and ask for God's continued mercy and grace.
I choose to continue my life with hope and faith and love and a fervent desire to keep growing and appreciating every moment.